The conflict of opinions so often comes with our parents. One common conflict I have witnessed is-
When Parents call their children back to them and they resist as they see different future for themselves than what they get if they return.
One related situation is when
Parents reject the idea to let their grown up children live independently i.e. not letting them leave house.
This problem is very predominant found in people of South Asian Countries when for Jobs people (sometimes with their wife & family) move out of their houses leaving their parents behind. The return calls start in few years.
This problem looks quite interesting to me so I thought to handle it ways possible. Here.
First let us understand what exactly is the situation
Parents perspective-
One often hear them saying some of these or related statements
"We have grown old and need you around."
"We have done/build so much for you here, who will take care of this."
"What family are we if we can't live together? Shouldn't we support the highs and lows of each others."
"To wish to live you life and have fun. We allowed. Now come back and take your responsibility"
And so on...
The hidden truth is this--
The focus in life has moved past parents generation and they feel left out. At this stage of life they have no other desire but one i.e. to enjoy their remaining life to fullest and for that they need acceptance. But the acceptance of their existence is on decline, in society and even in their own circle. Society gains nothing so it does not heed them, while their circle again comprises old people and it's shrinking as time passes by. They are becoming ancient & worthless and this thought haunts them.
Some would have build an Empire/system/property in their life, in their city and they don't want to see it crumble while they live. They want someone (their children) to take control & flourish and make them proud. Rather see its fall under them and remorse.
And it is cruel but true that they grew old and want someone around, as they are not physically capable to self care.
Now let's see their children's perspective-
You often hear them saying
"I am no more child. I am now a grown up man, financially stable and have family of my own."
"If I have to return, my kids schooling will affect, my wife's job will be gone and moreover I too will not find a suitable work for my qualification."
"Why don't you both leave all that and come live with us"
Here is the underlying of above sentences-
The new generation wants to taste freedom and the thought that their parents are around is like shackle on their thought/wishes/desires. They have chosen a professional path in life and they see bright chances to excel. And suddenly this pressure to change the course of life. They resist to chose that shown path, as it is substandard to their qualification & their capabilities and according to them leads to a dead end. Moreover the luxuries & comfort of life which they can enjoy in their present place, would become a distant dream living with their parents in that lost and forgotten city. UN-punctuated life style, freedom and no shackles of emotion and culture, would get a period and end. Thet detest the idea to disturb the uninterpreted seeping of western life and luxuries, which they have always thought promotes self oriented and I first policy. Moreover all this sacrifice for what. And then they shrugs his head because somewhere in their heart's dark, unknown, hidden closet they have acknowledge that their parents will perish soon, may be a decade or two. And in keeping them happy they would loose all prime of their life.
Hmmm.. the problem seems grave
Let us look for available solutions
Solution 1:
It is utmost disrespectful and insensitive to ignore your yesteryear's heroes (parents), just because your life doesn't need them today. They have worked life long for you and you like parasite should leave them when they depend on you. No!
So You Must Agree and Return when they call you!
But this will Hurt Your feelings.
So, Your Loss Brings Joy & Victory to Your Parents.
---
Solution 2:
A man also has his own ideas and desires, which he wants to experiment and experience. This is how one gains meaning to all those hollow words, like Life, God, Family, Love, hatred, etc, which were uttered and coached to him since childhood. And most importantly with his experiments in life as he deduces his own understanding to those vague words, he gets to know himself, recognize the ingredients that constitutes him and sees the world with different view point. And when such different view points collect, interact and conflict, new thoughts generate that give thrusts to the mankind to blaze ahead on the path of growth & development.
So You Should Not Return Back!
But this will Hurt Your Parents.
So, Your Victory Brings Defeat to Your Parents.
---
Both Solutions seems Incomplete.
You would tempt to say "This is no war that someone has to Win Or Lose. Why on earth are you viewing it like this".
However the situation is no less than war if you do macro-viewing. Both ends are horn locked, opinionated about other, unwilling to understand others view, have no peace in their minds and whenever opportunity arises they try to force convince each other.
Now before we look further for solutions let us draw some similarities between kids and old folks. This will help us reach better solution because every father seems quite apt in handling their kids.
Old folks are like kids, which needs care and patient handling.
Care because they both are weak. Patience because kids are innocent while oldies are energy drained people. And low levels of energy sprouts reluctance towards change.
Keeping those two essentials in mind, let us EXPLORE a Next solution.
Solution 3:
Please Note that word in capitals. That the soul of the next solution.
Explore Yourself.
- Why you don't wish to return?
- Why Affection and Attachment of Your Parents, now looks quaint to you?
- What is that you are not able to achieve while at home?
- Is there anything else you can do to use your qualification justifiably, if you return?
Explore Your Parents
- Why are they dragging (if you think it that way) you?
- Why are they not connected to you now no more?
- Did any past action or inaction sowed the seed of mistrust between you and your parents?
- What in the world can help them compensate so they come to you rather you go to them?
Now you have to explore to get precise answers to all these question. And while that happens, keep doing the below
- Develop faith in their heart for you and your family (if you have your own)
- Make them believe that they are also equally important in your life
- Spend time with them.
- And build a good rapport with them.
No matter how great relationship you were having with your parents, when such matter arise, even the most sparkling chemistry diminishes. So you need to rekindle that fire.
And once you gain back that lost sparkle and have all answers explored, you need to Dialogue With Them. This is the Most Difficult part. But remain calm and persistent. A middle path need to be found. And when you have that found, all your problems related to your Parents are solved. And you will also have answers to these
- Should you Return or Not?
- What alternatives you have in life where you can flourish?
- How can you continue to make your life comfortable and make your parents as will enjoy the comforts?
Of course equal responsibility lies with their parents as well to help find solution rather imposing their wishes. But I prefer not to suggest them.
I can see a question mark popping your head. So here are the reasons-
- Suggesting them means requiring them to change through preaching. I, personally, am not very hopeful that such a thing would work.
- Moreover with you lies the power of decision. So you ought to take the responsibility
And if you could execute this successfully, then you Return or Not doesn't matter
You will Win and You will Find Your Parents On Your Side.
So Your WIN will make them also WIN.
---
Now in the end time to see the repercussions Of Each Solution On You.
(+) means Positive
( - ) means Negative
Good Luck :-))
When Parents call their children back to them and they resist as they see different future for themselves than what they get if they return.
One related situation is when
Parents reject the idea to let their grown up children live independently i.e. not letting them leave house.
This problem is very predominant found in people of South Asian Countries when for Jobs people (sometimes with their wife & family) move out of their houses leaving their parents behind. The return calls start in few years.
This problem looks quite interesting to me so I thought to handle it ways possible. Here.
First let us understand what exactly is the situation
Parents perspective-
One often hear them saying some of these or related statements
"We have grown old and need you around."
"We have done/build so much for you here, who will take care of this."
"What family are we if we can't live together? Shouldn't we support the highs and lows of each others."
"To wish to live you life and have fun. We allowed. Now come back and take your responsibility"
And so on...
The hidden truth is this--
The focus in life has moved past parents generation and they feel left out. At this stage of life they have no other desire but one i.e. to enjoy their remaining life to fullest and for that they need acceptance. But the acceptance of their existence is on decline, in society and even in their own circle. Society gains nothing so it does not heed them, while their circle again comprises old people and it's shrinking as time passes by. They are becoming ancient & worthless and this thought haunts them.
Some would have build an Empire/system/property in their life, in their city and they don't want to see it crumble while they live. They want someone (their children) to take control & flourish and make them proud. Rather see its fall under them and remorse.
And it is cruel but true that they grew old and want someone around, as they are not physically capable to self care.
Now let's see their children's perspective-
You often hear them saying
"I am no more child. I am now a grown up man, financially stable and have family of my own."
"If I have to return, my kids schooling will affect, my wife's job will be gone and moreover I too will not find a suitable work for my qualification."
"Why don't you both leave all that and come live with us"
Here is the underlying of above sentences-
The new generation wants to taste freedom and the thought that their parents are around is like shackle on their thought/wishes/desires. They have chosen a professional path in life and they see bright chances to excel. And suddenly this pressure to change the course of life. They resist to chose that shown path, as it is substandard to their qualification & their capabilities and according to them leads to a dead end. Moreover the luxuries & comfort of life which they can enjoy in their present place, would become a distant dream living with their parents in that lost and forgotten city. UN-punctuated life style, freedom and no shackles of emotion and culture, would get a period and end. Thet detest the idea to disturb the uninterpreted seeping of western life and luxuries, which they have always thought promotes self oriented and I first policy. Moreover all this sacrifice for what. And then they shrugs his head because somewhere in their heart's dark, unknown, hidden closet they have acknowledge that their parents will perish soon, may be a decade or two. And in keeping them happy they would loose all prime of their life.
Hmmm.. the problem seems grave
Let us look for available solutions
Solution 1:
It is utmost disrespectful and insensitive to ignore your yesteryear's heroes (parents), just because your life doesn't need them today. They have worked life long for you and you like parasite should leave them when they depend on you. No!
So You Must Agree and Return when they call you!
But this will Hurt Your feelings.
So, Your Loss Brings Joy & Victory to Your Parents.
---
Solution 2:
A man also has his own ideas and desires, which he wants to experiment and experience. This is how one gains meaning to all those hollow words, like Life, God, Family, Love, hatred, etc, which were uttered and coached to him since childhood. And most importantly with his experiments in life as he deduces his own understanding to those vague words, he gets to know himself, recognize the ingredients that constitutes him and sees the world with different view point. And when such different view points collect, interact and conflict, new thoughts generate that give thrusts to the mankind to blaze ahead on the path of growth & development.
So You Should Not Return Back!
But this will Hurt Your Parents.
So, Your Victory Brings Defeat to Your Parents.
---
Both Solutions seems Incomplete.
You would tempt to say "This is no war that someone has to Win Or Lose. Why on earth are you viewing it like this".
However the situation is no less than war if you do macro-viewing. Both ends are horn locked, opinionated about other, unwilling to understand others view, have no peace in their minds and whenever opportunity arises they try to force convince each other.
Now before we look further for solutions let us draw some similarities between kids and old folks. This will help us reach better solution because every father seems quite apt in handling their kids.
Old folks are like kids, which needs care and patient handling.
Care because they both are weak. Patience because kids are innocent while oldies are energy drained people. And low levels of energy sprouts reluctance towards change.
Keeping those two essentials in mind, let us EXPLORE a Next solution.
Solution 3:
Please Note that word in capitals. That the soul of the next solution.
Explore Yourself.
- Why you don't wish to return?
- Why Affection and Attachment of Your Parents, now looks quaint to you?
- What is that you are not able to achieve while at home?
- Is there anything else you can do to use your qualification justifiably, if you return?
Explore Your Parents
- Why are they dragging (if you think it that way) you?
- Why are they not connected to you now no more?
- Did any past action or inaction sowed the seed of mistrust between you and your parents?
- What in the world can help them compensate so they come to you rather you go to them?
Now you have to explore to get precise answers to all these question. And while that happens, keep doing the below
- Develop faith in their heart for you and your family (if you have your own)
- Make them believe that they are also equally important in your life
- Spend time with them.
- And build a good rapport with them.
No matter how great relationship you were having with your parents, when such matter arise, even the most sparkling chemistry diminishes. So you need to rekindle that fire.
And once you gain back that lost sparkle and have all answers explored, you need to Dialogue With Them. This is the Most Difficult part. But remain calm and persistent. A middle path need to be found. And when you have that found, all your problems related to your Parents are solved. And you will also have answers to these
- Should you Return or Not?
- What alternatives you have in life where you can flourish?
- How can you continue to make your life comfortable and make your parents as will enjoy the comforts?
Of course equal responsibility lies with their parents as well to help find solution rather imposing their wishes. But I prefer not to suggest them.
I can see a question mark popping your head. So here are the reasons-
- Suggesting them means requiring them to change through preaching. I, personally, am not very hopeful that such a thing would work.
- Moreover with you lies the power of decision. So you ought to take the responsibility
And if you could execute this successfully, then you Return or Not doesn't matter
You will Win and You will Find Your Parents On Your Side.
So Your WIN will make them also WIN.
---
Now in the end time to see the repercussions Of Each Solution On You.
(+) means Positive
( - ) means Negative
- You Go For Solutoin 1.
- (+)Your parents will live happily
- ( - )You will live depressed for not pursuing your dreams
- ( - )You will lose your affection towards your parents for pressurizing you to make their favoured decision
- ( - )Your family (wife & kids) might not like your decision
- ( - )You become coward as you succumb to difficulties and failed to raise head
- You Go For Option 2.
- (+)You will live happily in all comforts
- ( - )You Parents will always remain in Pain for your disregard
- ( - )Society will be secretly label you as Selfish & Mean
- ( - )You will eventually regret for being so Selfish
- ( - )You set wrong example to your kids
- ( - )You might later in life regret for your negligence to your parents
- * You Go For Option 3
- ( - )This solution will take time
- ( - )You will have to work Hard and remain Patient
- (+) You get innovative and articulative as you strive to bring both your parents and yourself to common understanding
- (+)You parents initially will resist but eventually feel Love and proud for you
- (+)You will learn to stand tall in difficult times
- (+)You set right example and show the right way of living to your kids
- (+)You will feel very confident about yourself for
- Not succumbing to Hardship (Sol 1.)
- Not choosing the easiest path available (Sol 2.) &
- Fighting through the situation till the end and wining (Sol 3.)
Good Luck :-))
